A Terribly Bitter Pill

I took my first PMP class a little less than two years ago. PMP, for the uninitiated, stands for Project Management Professional. It's the gold standard for Project Managers, which I am.

I sat in that class at Learning Tree International and thought to myself, "What in the heck is this guy talking about?" It hadn't been too long before that I'd never even heard of the PMP credential. I'd never knowingly put any of PMI's (Project Management Institute) principles into practice, and though I had been a Project Manager for more than 10 years, I sat in that class with the most bewildered look on my face and a sense of being lost in a vast new world.

I felt exactly the same way yesterday as I sat for my PMP exam. What in the heck am I doing here? What language are these questions written in? What in the world are they asking me?

I read every question at least twice, and most of them I read five or six times. Two hundred questions and four hours of sheer torture. To say the least, it did not go like I'd hoped it would.

I was not prepared sufficiently for this exam. I'd probably answered a couple thousand practice questions in my meager preparations, but none of them were used on this exam and none of them were anything like the questions I had to answer yesterday. It made me feel like I'd been told to study my Spanish because I was going to be tested on it, only to have the exam written in French. It was awful.

The very first question should have been a signal to me that I was not going to carry the day. I don't remember exactly what the question was, but I do remember that I had no idea of the answer. I sat, literally, for five minutes staring at the computer screen, only to guess in the end. It was a common theme throughout the day. I probably guessed on a majority of the questions, and now I know that guessed wrong on most of them.

As I look back now, I'm not surprised that I failed. But as I sat there and saw the word "FAIL" come up on the screen, it made me feel like a loser. That one word was screaming, "You stink! You'll never pass this exam! Ba ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

I felt the blood rise from my toes and quickly disperse throughout my whole body. Every corpuscle in my body was filled to its maximum capacity and I almost felt like passing out. I felt horrible, like a 112-pound palooka getting into the ring for the first time, only to look up and see Mohammad Ali in the other corner.

I clicked the End Exam button with 1:12 left. I'd reviewed all of my answers and thought I had a pretty good shot at passing. Then the word FAIL popped up and I felt like I'd let everyone in my life down. Five hundred dollars right down the tubes.

Failure comes in many different flavors. This failure was especially hard for me to chew up and swallow. It was very, very bitter. But swallow I have, and now I'm moving on to the next big thing. Oh, I'll take the exam again, and I'll pass the danged thing. I am just looking ahead, instead of back.

I memorize scripture as a "hobby". I guess it's more of a life's venture than it is a hobby, but I do it every morning for about an hour. I don't know how many I've memorized, but it's a lot. I start when I get in the shower, and I quit when I get to work. It kind of sets the table for the whole day. I've been doing it for about 12 years.

Currently, I am memorizing one from Romans 8:28-31. Yesterday, as I was getting ready, verse 31 stuck in my head. I was especially nervous about the exam, so it had special significance to me. It reads, "If God be with us, who can be against us?"

That one verse really hit me and the nervous feeling I had just went away. I was confident. I was ready!

Well, not quite.

As I stood in the shower this morning, the warm water washing away yesterday's dirt and pain, I was reviewing the same four verses. Today, the first verse stuck in my head instead of the fourth. The verse reads, "For we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose."

I love God! I have been called according to His purpose! This will all work out in the end. I don't know if it's God will that I go down this road, but I'm confident that He's going to leave that decision to me. I think He is happy to know that I am trying to better myself.

I also know that bumps and bruises, such as this one, will make me stronger in the end, and will actually give me a reference point somewhere in the future. Who knows but that I'll be able to help someone with their problem, just because I failed and can understand what the pill tastes like?

The next time will be different. I'm going to give it the very best I have. I know how to study now. I know what to study. And maybe that's one of the things I'm supposed to learn from all this. I didn't know the material like I should have. Next time will be different.

And the next pill I have to swallow regarding this will be made entirely out of sugar...nice and sweet.